a season of stillness

baby-breath-1

Pieces of this blog post have been floating around my head for weeks now… I’m still not sure I have my thoughts crystal clear and share worthy, but it’s time to give it a shot. Time and time again I’ve felt peace in sharing my heart on this tiny little corner of the internet. So here I go again…

The other day Luke handed me a baby doll to rock for him. I found myself enjoying that assignment more than I would have thought.

Suddenly Luke changed his mind and snatched the baby so he could put her to bed in a crib. It took all my strength not to burst into tears in front of him.

The truth is I ache for a baby. I long to be pregnant, to nurse, to rock, to smother a baby in love… which I know is pretty ironic considering I was just telling you all how not ready I was for a baby just eighteen months ago…. But I’m ready now.

For most of our time in Baltimore I imagined this year we’re now living, the first one out of school, as a year full of life activities. I imagined signing Luke up for soccer or something for him to have to himself. I imagined Madeline being in some sort of school program along with ballet (which I think we finally figured out!) I imagined having a baby soon after we got here and being busy caring for three littles. I saw this year as a full one, but it hasn’t panned out that way.

I went to sign Madeline up for school and it didn’t feel right. I haven’t felt the urgency to find a program for Luke and I’m realizing that’s ok. We don’t have a baby yet. We don’t even have a baby on the way… and as much as that often hurts, I’m learning to be ok with it. I’m learning to love this season of life for what it is.

I’m learning that this is a season to savor life’s blessings. To listen. To be still.

Soon there will be seasons of life full of driving kids to school and activities. Soon I won’t have my two little loves home with me all day. Life is only going to get busier. Hopefully soon this belly of mine will be growing because of a baby and not Tillamook Mudslide… I’ll be aching, have heartburn and nothing to wear but I will be grateful because I’ll be so incredibly happy to have a baby on the way.  Hopefully soon I’ll be exhausted from late night feedings and all the other joys of a newborn.

But until then, there is beauty here. There is love and happiness now. This simple stage of life will be gone before I know it… so for now I’m going to savor this season of stillness.

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  • Tailor Neville

    This post totally resonated with me. We have been trying for a baby to and haven’t been successful yet. I find myself aching every time aunt flow comes or another negative test. I’ve been trying to stay busy with projects and such but still find it hard to process things not going as I had hoped. Thanks for your thoughts. Love you! Baby dust ;)ReplyCancel

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